Episode Zero review

emeraldeyes14.deviantart.com/a… Is the work I'm going to critique.

For a while, it's been in the sta.sh of EmeraldEyes14. I kept a copy of the link so I could read it whenever I could and see how the story was. Here's a critique of what the story is like.

Around the first scene, we are introduced to a normal neighborhood setting; There's nothing wrong with the setting, but the way it was written was difficult to read. There were too many periods, and a paragraph of description, which made it a chore to read through.

The scenery then switched from the backyard of a family to a basement lab. The transition might have been foreshadowing- I'm not sure. If it was, the sentences should be smoother and worded differently, so we can feel a sense of happiness fade to something darker.

Everything was written into a screenplay format, there's nothing wrong with that, but some of the actions do sound awkwardly written. Like this: "{Sad music plays, melancholic, insturmental}" (Note the grammar mistakes)

After the music plays, we're introduced to a man called Master. Already, the story seems awkward, now we have a guy with a weird name. We don't learn about his real name later on in the story either, which is disappointing. Anyway, Master tries to sound intelligent by having a monologue.

"MASTER: (narrates) Most people live their lives outside… Living without cares… I envy them sometimes.

MASTER: (continues narrating) But as for me… My life is now contained within this basement.

[Stops typing and freezes, then slowly takes the picture off the desk to look at it, sighing]

If I believed in such things, I might say I had been cursed by fate"
[flashbacks start]

I appreciate the attempt to be emotional, but the dialogue just doesn't sound right to me.
It just doesn't seem emotional like a depressed man such as himself should be. That, and the flashback happened to early; there could have been more time to introduce him through other means; Maybe through pictures or old relics.

The second scene doesn't fare much better at making the audience feel sorry for him.

Scene 2
Inside a hospital. Young AUNTIE and MASTER are crying next to a hospital bed where their mother sleeps. A heart monitor is beeping. A nurse stands in the corner when doctor comes into the room and whispers something to the nurse.

"AUNTIE: No... Not Mommy too. Daddy already- (gets choked up and sniffles)

[Heart monitor beeps faster]

DOCTOR: [faces Auntie and Master] I'm sorry. You might like to say good bye now.

[MASTER runs out of the room]

{Music slowly fades}"

The Doctor sounds like a jerk, and I don't know who Auntie was. Like I said before about the paintings and relics, it would have been better if they didn't start the flashback immediately or took time to introduce Auntie instead of just slapping her in there.

The second flashback wasn't good either. This was when they started recycling a scene:

"Scene 3
MASTER stands alone in darkness, a dim light on him as he looks down in contemplation. His lips do not move as he narrates.

[MIU laughs]


MASTER stands alone in darkness, a dim light on him as he looks down in contemplation. His lips do not move as he narrates.

MIU: [laughs and takes a treat from the toy's tray] Thank you!


MASTER stands alone in darkness, a dim light on him as he looks down in contemplation. His lips do not move as he narrates.

MASTER stands alone in darkness, a dim light on him as he looks down in contemplation. His lips do not move as he narrates.

MASTER: In the end, after many sleepless nights, I still couldn't save her. But I did succeed in a different matter. But no one could know. Not the company I had worked for, or even my partner on the project… Maybe, especially not her…"

The overuse of recycling scenes just wasn't necessary: That time they used recycling could have been put to good use fleshing out the introduction of Auntie and other characters. Along with this, they wrote that MASTER became successful and his work rivaled his college professor's. How he turned his life around after his parent's death and where Auntie is, was left completely unanswered.

I expected Master's character was meant to be sympathetic. At least that's what I thought until I read this:

"{Jazzy song (with lyrics) plays over the radio}

MASTER: Can I help you?

LADY: I'm looking for Angel Stefani… Do you have her here?

MASTER: Oh, so you're into soul? Well, Angel Stefani… she's a rip-off.

LADY: (annoyed) What?! I love her music!

MASTER: Oh, I'm sorry! I just meant- she's obviously copying the style of Nina Williams. Here, why don't you listen to her, and tell me what you think. [hands her a CD] Oh- and you should totally try Trey Swift. [pulls off another CD and hands it to her] Look, if you don't like it, you can come back in a few days when we get our next shipment and buy and Angel Stefani CD. But I really think you'll look this even more. Hey, if you don't I'll even give you your money back. [small smile]

LADY:[hesitates, looking down at the CDs] All right. I'll come back and let you know. [smiles at him]

{Music ends}"

Seeing as how his parents died, this would have been an acceptable way to react. Except that he was outdoing college professors and just turned his life around several weeks ago. Him being a complete douchebag to the woman is unnecessary and could cost him his job. He should be smart enough to know that the customer is always right. What's worse is that the lady is smiling at him, and the scene after this showed them getting married and having a child. How is this possible?

I'm praying scene 7 will be much better since seven is luck number. (Prays then gets to reading) .....Nope. Read for yourself.

"Scene 7

Back at Master's house. Master's wife has died.

[MASTER winds up the toy as MIU watches with curious eyes.]

TOY: [starts walking towards Miu and stops when it reaches her] (in a robotic voice) WOULD YOU LIKE A SNACK, MISS?

MIU: [laughs and takes a treat from the toy's tray] Thank you!"

The toy was irrelevant and in no way related to his wife dying. The daughter should also be aware in some shape or form that her mother is not there. Master should also be sad and afraid, since his daughter just contracted a genetic disease passed on by her mother.

Around the climax of the story, Master is hired to develop a cure for the genetic disease. There's nothing wrong with that, except that there is: Master is a robotic engineer(That sounds really cheesy), not a scientist. He doesn't know how to cure a disease because that wasn't his major in college.


Could this get better? Could this be any worse? Well, no and yes.

First, his daughter dies and he stands next to two characters we never heard of: Meiko and Kaito. They came from out of nowhere and stood next to Master, apologizing. We aren't told who they are or where they came from either, aside from their names, and that was only because the story is written in screenplay format.

Second, he does develop a cure. How he developed a cure, we don't know. Well, at least he found a cure and now he can save countless lives, right? He lies to the company who helped him develop a cure to save his daughter and countless lives, AND we don't even know why. Seeing how Emeraldeyes has rewritten the story from an existing draft published in June, this cannot be laziness.

Third, the ending is anti-climatic. Master tries to make a dramatic speech and commit a hero act.. by pushing a button. That's it. No special effects, no conflict, just him pressing a button. We don't understand how that resolves the conflict, all I know is that it was to wake a person called "Miku" up. Yet another character they failed to introduce properly.

I rate this story, 1/10.


Note: This is the first time I've done a review, but I'm satisfied with the result. I'll hopefully post more reviews in the near future.